4 Reasons Why People Ghost
I read through a recent Buzzfeed article where people described the reasons why they ghosted potential love interests. It seems like people have similar excuses as to why they decide to cut off communication by disappearing into the ether and these can be distilled into the following.
1. Inability to communicate
Ghosting is a pretty easy way to communicate disinterest. As I read through the article it became apparent that many felt they simply couldn’t bring themselves to say that they were no longer interested.
The most popular phrase was that they didn’t “have the heart” to so instead of being honest they ghosted.
One of the responses mentioned a girl who was too “clingy” and another person had ghosted someone they’d met whilst being on a break with their current partner.
A conversation would have been too awkward to explain or they weren’t prepared to deal with a reaction. Ghosting equals less drama, less confrontation.
It’s hard to really judge a situation from a couple of lines. However, in my experience honesty is the best policy. I’ve always felt better simply summarising my feelings by saying something as simple as “I’m sorry this isn’t for me, I wish you luck though”. For me, removing ambiguity is respectful of their time and mine. Each person can draw a line underneath the situation and move on in separate directions.
2. The last resort
Sometimes, ghosting is literally the last resort after trying everything else. If after having a discussion the other person still reaches out and won’t take no for an answer, then what’s the solution? One person wrote that even after they told the person they were seeing that were done, they’d still receive a “hey, what are you doing?” text. Unless you have the patience of a saint, it would be really hard to not ghost someone who doesn’t want to listen.
Something I recently encountered with a man who asked me for my number. I politely declined, he asked me why, I gave a reason (which was my first mistake I’ve learned that a no is enough in itself).
He refuted that reason, so I gave another reason, to which he said he didn’t believe it. Great. I was stuck with a man, who wouldn’t take no for an answer, was also indirectly calling me a liar, and oh, did I mention was already married.
If I could have spiritualized and evaporated into air I would have but unfortunately, it was face to face. There’s something very undermining about a man who feels he has to apply pressure to get what he wants.
3. Didn’t feel they deserved a response
If after having a discussion the other person still reaches out and won’t take no for an answer, then what’s the solution? Sometimes, ghosting is literally the last resort after trying everything else.
One person in the article said that even after they explained that it was over, they’d still receive a “hey, what are you doing?” text. Unless you have the patience of a saint, it would be really hard to not ghost someone who doesn’t want to listen.
I recently had an encounter with a man in a coffee shop that reminded me of this. I was sitting in a coffee shop and after a while, a man came over and we started talking. He eventually asked me for my number but I politely declined.
He asked me why, I gave a reason (which was my first mistake I’ve learned that a no is enough in itself). He refuted that reason, so I gave another reason, to which he said he didn’t believe that was a genuine enough reason.
Great. I was stuck with a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, was also indirectly calling me a liar, and oh, did I mention he was married.
If I could have spiritualized and evaporated into air I would have but unfortunately, this was face to face. There’s something very discouraging about a man who feels he has to apply pressure to get what he wants.
4. Fear
Something that I thought the article would mention but didn’t and maybe one of the points may have alluded to was the fear of retaliation. Some men may not understand why women cannot be more upfront regarding their lack of interest and this can be a source of frustration. My feeling is that some men are unable to empathize with regards to how women perceive the threat of violence just by being in the presence of a man who is physically bigger, taller, and stronger.
So rather than give a blunt answer, women either opt for the soft no or if it’s in a digital space, fail to acknowledge texts and missed calls in the hopes that the guy will eventually get the hint.
I recently listened to someone on Instagram who made the point that women are “socialized” to be people pleasers so may find ghosting easier than giving a straightforward no. Again, I get this. It’s easier to slowly back out of a party than to walk up to the host and say that you’re leaving and have to deal with the awkward dance of why you can’t stay and you’re missing out etc., etc.
Perhaps we need to see ghosting for what it really is, an inability to communicate effectively. The best policy is of course still honesty. We might never really know why someone has ghosted us but all we can do is move on. The closure is in the fact that if they wanted to get in touch they would have.
